unknown

This morning when I took out the garbage I noticed little greens poking up in my flower beds.  My flowers are coming!! :)

It brought up memories of last year:

I had planted bulbs in my newly made flower beds the previous fall.  October 2010.  I was so excited since it was my first real attempt at flower gardening on my own, and in the brand new flower beds Kev and I had made.  It had been a LOT of work and I couldn't wait to see how it turned out. I carefully placed allium, daffodils and tulips in a way to coordinate purples, yellows and (my favorite) the hot pinks.  I simply couldn't wait.

One month later my boys' seizures began. When Spring came after that particularly painful winter, I daily checked my little bulbs as they poked up and readied to bloom. It was therapeutic. Then one day my tulips- my muchly-anticipated-hot-pink tulips - finally arrived.

They were not hot pink.  

They weren't pink at all.  I can't even describe them as a beautiful pale yellow or elegant ivory.  They were simple-dull-off-white with a tinge of grey. 

I was devastated.

It's somewhat funny NOW remembering how torn apart I was about it. I wanted to give up on everything. I choked up for days before I was even ready to talk about it.  After trying for a few days to get over it on my own- and not succeeding- I called my sister Autumn:

"What is wrong with me? My baby has seizures day and night, but I can hold it together.  My husband is rarely home, I haven't had a good night's sleep since November, our finances and everything else is falling apart, I lost a baby, could have died..." (from a surprise pregnancy/ruptured tube/internal bleeding emergency) "...and I was fine with all of until MY TULIPS WEREN'T PINK!!! I can't take it! It is so unfair! Why is this happening to me??!"

Looking back now I know it was about a lot more than just the color of my flowers.  It was a hard time, this time last year. To understate it by a mile. The tulips were only the last straw.  I had expected something and -just like so many other things in my upside-down world- it was one more thing turned out differently. 

Here comes another Spring.  

Once again there is nothing I can do but WAIT and find out how things bloom. So many questions that I have to let go to not knowing. Are the meds going to ever start helping? Does Dawson need brain surgery?  Will it help him?  Could it make it worse?  How will we pay for any of it?  Will he be ok? When is this going to stop? ....

I remember another low moment of 2011.  New Years Eve I consciously realized the entire year hadn't brought even one single seizure free day to my baby boy.  I hadn't stopped it and that seriously stung. What was worse - I didn't know if the new year would be different. It could very possibly get worse. 

It's these "Unknowns" that drive me nuts. Sometimes I think if I could just know the end results - even if they were terrible- I would be able to eventually accept it.  It's the not knowing, ups and downs, waiting and watching the slow progression of this uncontrolled epilepsy, that is just so, so hard.

Will my tulips be pink?

Am I ready to be ok either way?

Come what may and love it, right?

I will try.