inspiring

I hope I can make sense of my jumbled thoughts tonight.

I shared this blog in a Facebook message with a large group of friends and family, thinking it would be the easist way to keep people updated on our kids' situation. It was hard to send that email.  For the most part we have kept most of the details private.  Openly sharing these personal thoughts and experiences is far away from my "comfort zone." However, I know there are those who are grateful for updates, and genuionely care about our family.  I also feel like it will be beneficial somehow to have kept a record.

I am very grateful for every kind expression of concern and love we have been given. Thank you for your support. We are blessed to know so many great people.

I have to say though, it feels strange when people have said I am "inspiring" or anything else like it.  Sheesh. I do not feel inspiring.  

Far from it. 

It makes me wonder; have I been painting a false image here?

Over the last 5 years, I have seen each one of my precious children literally crash flat on their faces, over and over and over again.  I have heard the "thuds" and "cracks" as their bodies slam to the floor, into a wall, or down a flight of stairs.  Their eyes transform into that familiar glaze as they lose consciousness and control.  Afterward they get back up and get right back to their little worlds, instantly ready to face it again. They don't complain.  Each one of them has shown incredible determination, patience, and courage.

Then people say I am inspiring??

I don't see it that way. The truth is I only have the privilege of being their mother.  I have not had to go through the things they do. I wasn't qualified before hand to deal with their day to day challenges, and I certainly didn't volunteer. I don't always have a good attitude. Many days I long for sleep only to have a moment to escape.  There are days (like today) when I feel so burned out by the end of the day I just want to be left alone. It feels like more than I can do to even be a somewhat-decent parent. I have so much to be grateful for but I don't always remember to even notice.

Inspiring? I don't think so.

I hope that in writing this blog or when I am venting, etc, I never-ever-ever come across as seeking glory out of the challenges my children have to bear. Or have made myself look like this supermom of sorts. I am only an ordinary, struggling person who doesn't have any other option but to get through it.

I worry when a friend shares what they are going through and then adds, "I know this is nothing compared to what you are going through. . . . " NO. NO. And NO!  I sure hope this is not the message I give to people. We all our given our OWN trials and they are not meant to be compared. 

Our trials are REAL and sometimes hard-as-heck but they do NOT lessen anyone else's.

It feels important to me to clarify this is not my motive in writing this blog.  I hope I make sense since it is very important to me.  Especially for my kids.

And in case someday they read this:

To Halle, Drew and Dawson,

I am so grateful to get to be your mother. I love you more deeply than I knew was capable. Thank you for making my life wonderful.

You have been through so much already in your young lives. I am so so so sorry for every time you have hurt. Each one of you has shown that you are incredibly strong and I am constantly amazed by your courage.

My sweet kids, YOU are inspiring.

xoxo

M